Daughters: How to Untangle Yourself From Your Mother

I am excited that this book is now available in e-book and paperback. It is for all daughters who have a difficult relationship with their mothers, and who want to understand the nature of the entanglement and to step out of it. At the heart of such relationships is emotional trauma, which comes down the generations. I bring compassion to mothers and daughters recognising that we are caught up in the past, and hope for daughters that they can fully become themselves.

​Early reviewers have said:
"Wise and Impactful"
"Reassuring and hopeful"
"Astonishing"
"Immensely helpful"
"Invites you into a conversation about a difficult topic"
"gentle, compassionate and non-judgemental"

Look out for other reviews in the coming months.

AVAILABLE from all book sellers 


​Book reviews

This is an extraordinary book. It has transformed the lives of so many of my friends and colleagues who have grappled with, and been impacted by, the complexities of their relationships with their mothers. It has brought them understanding where there was resentment, anger, where they were constantly trying & it was never enough, or where constant irritation and tension was the norm - and a wide range of other not-so-healthy-or-pleasant emotions and relationships with their mothers. For some they are now on the journey to much greater inner peace - a relief for them personally - and consequently how they are with their own families, children, friends, colleagues is changing, for the better. An overriding relief for many was to know they were not alone in daughter-mother relationship complexities and they are so appreciative of Julia Vaughan Smith, the author, guiding them  with kindness, knowledge and insights, and her sharing her own experiences along the way.
Gillian Biscoe AM, Adj Professor
​This is a hat trick from Julia Vaughan Smith – her third book, and the best text I’ve ever read on the mother-daughter relationship.  Drawing honestly on her own experience, Julia leads the way from the heart - by navigating, without blame, the entangled dynamic between mothers and daughters. 
 
She encourages the reader by being generous and compassionate to both parties and this means that healing is far more likely.  Julia takes complex concepts and presents them in bite sized sections – enabling the reader to put the ideas into practice.  
 
Lucid - Empowering - Releasing - Generous - Compassionate - Healing
Valerie James, Independent Consultant: Corporate Psychologist
There have been other books on the daughter-mother dynamic but this one is unique in neither demonising nor justifying maternal behaviour. The book provides a calm and penetrating insight into the lasting impact of a daughter’s connection with her mother. And if you are personally entangled with your mother, how do you free yourself? Read this astonishing book to find out.
Jenny Rogers, Executive Coach, Author of ‘Are you Listening?’
This is a wise, elegant and impactful book that sensitively explores the complexity of daughter/mother relationships. With her understanding of emotional trauma, Julia doesn’t pull her punches about the devasting impact of some daughter/mother relationships, nor does she vilify mothers. Instead, she shows compassion for the experiences and trauma they may have experienced. Most importantly she offers hope and a means for daughters to shift the relationship dynamics.
Claire Lea, Executive Coach
If you are struggling to feel loving and giving towards your mother in the way that surely all daughters ‘should’ this book provides reassurance. You are not alone, abnormal or wicked. Julia points out that a mother is also a daughter.  Julia uses her extensive experience as a psychotherapist, coach and daughter to guide us carefully to review our relationship with our mother. She encourages us to take responsibility for our adult selves and explore how our childhood experience may be affecting our adult relationships. This is a hopeful book which you will want to dip into again and again. Julia shows it is never too late to begin to unravel some of our tangled webs and gradually become ‘our own good enough loving mother (more of the time).
Julia Steward, Leadership Coach, Author of ‘Sustaining Resilience for Leadership:Stories from Education’
This book is an immensely helpful read. It enables the reader to build a picture of their own life experience alongside those of others. Page by page it sheds light on the shadowy places often found in daughter/mother relationships.  It then helps us to work out what to do to understand our lives and, if we choose, to move our relationships onto a healthier positive footing. It is a book you will want to read and reread.
Liz Cleves, Artist
A book that connects the female universally. Any daughter in the world will be able to find herself in it. Julia comprehensively looks at the female line and the inherited trauma through generations. The book offers an insight into what is our own trauma and which trauma might belong generations before us.  Gentle and generous to mothers and very helpful for being a daughter. A way a daughter might heal her difficult relationship with her mother by understanding the relationship between them.
Susanne Gosling, Psychotherapist
Billed as a self-coaching book, this would be of value to any daughter with a desire to better understand the impact of the mothering they received in childhood and beyond on the woman they are today. It busts the myth of motherhood and the illusion of a happy childhood that many of us cling to. Vaughan Smith manages the difficult task, which so many authors fail to do, of explaining complex psychological phenomena in everyday language. If ‘there and then’ is continuing to impact your relationships ‘here and now’, or if you feel entangled, enmeshed, angry, hating, hurt, silenced, smothered, distanced, dutiful, resentful or responsible with or for your mother, read this.  
Jeanine Connor, Psychodynamic Psychotherapist, Author and Editor of BACP CYPF 
Wow - such a marvellously well-written book. What an insight into Mothers and Daughters' relationships. Your book was a fascinating in-depth read.  Never realised they were so many complicated, different relationships.  Certainly food for thought. 
 
Your book makes me question my own relationship with my daughter now.  No doubt, discover where I am going wrong!  Perhaps even improve it.  However, am grateful it made me think more of my relationship with my Mother too. I appreciate now how fortunate I was, I took her love for granted, thought that was normal and automatic. So easy, natural to return it, not a duty.   
 
Well done for such a splendid book!
LG
anchor: Coaching

Coaching and Trauma: From surviving to thriving

 I am delighted to say the my book Coaching and Trauma: from surviving to thriving  is providing a valuable resource to many.  I often get feedback from readers who have found it useful to them as individuals and also to their practice. To buy a copy with 20% discount go to www.mheducation.co.uk and use the code SMITH20.  It is also available form www.amazon.co.uk as a book and e-book, and other online distributors.

It is  written specifically for coaches who want to become trauma aware in their work.  There is no need to fear trauma, nor to cross the boundary into therapy. Working with trauma awareness enhances coaching practice with positive outcomes. 

Readers say it is clearly written and very accessible even if new to this topic. Organisational consultants have also said they have found it essential reading.  It is practical and well-grounded in theory.  I hope you find it helpful. Do let me know.

"This book bust the myth that trauma has nothing to do with coaching, while underlying clearly how coaches can maintain appropriate boundaries. A real gift to the profession and absolutely essential reading for any coaching supervisor"
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"This is a book that coaching has been missing. It is a valuable resource for any coach, supervisor or training provider interested in the development of a more mature coaching profession."

"I've found this a fantastic resource"

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​Book reviews

The most important book on coaching for a decade
This book, without aiming to do this in any way, exposes the vanishing likelihood of conventional approaches to coaching or indeed to therapy, working without taking into account the client's childhood. This book is stunning. It's a must read.
Jenny Rogers, Executive Coach, Author of ‘Are you Listening?’
I'm so grateful this book was there when I needed it.
​It came as a complete surprise to learn in my mid-forties that I was experiencing the impact of trauma because I had done so much work on myself over the previous eighteen years and I didn’t feel like there could be many stones left unturned.

During this period, I had qualified as a coach and was working with my own coach as well as other modalities of therapy. I became familiar with the conceptual model of trauma - the split parts of the psyche as defined by Franz Ruppert. It made a lot of sense to me and helped enormously with my healing...
Olivia D'Silva  | Amazon Review
A must read for experienced coaches looking to deepen their practice.
This book fills an important gap in coach development that many of us didn't know we had! It helped me make sense of what I often noticed in the coaching room, but hadn't felt confident enough to raise with clients without straying into therapeutic territory. Since reading the book, where appropriate, I have been working with the models and approaches that the author suggests. I can now report that it has been nothing short of transformative for my work with clients, for my development as a coach, and for my personal growth. Read this book to keep you on the edge of you development seat, to keep you honest as a coach, and to keep your practice in rude health.
Maria Fay, Executive Coach |  Amazon Review
 An essential read for all coaches - for both themselves and their clients!
This is a must-read book for all coaches who want to become 'trauma informed', both for themselves and for the benefit of their coaching clients. Julia guides us through a very readable and easy to understand explanation of how the 'here and now' of common coaching dilemmas such as imposter syndrome, bullying, stress, burnout, inner critic, stuckness etc can be connected in some way with the 'there and then' of some past trauma...
Yvonne Flynn  |  Amazon Review
anchor: Therapist

Therapist into Coach

Published 2005 by McGrawHill Open University Press. It feels like a long time since I wrote this book, and I would, of course, write it differently now. However, I still meet people who tell me how valuable it is to them and that it is used in coach training. Very satisfying to know it is useful. I'm told by readers that it gives a very clear separation of therapy and coaching, which is helpful for those entering coaching and those moving from counselling into coaching.
Amazon Students Members Get an Extra 10% Off Selected Books ​

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​Book reviews

Essential reading for therapists moving into coaching.
I am in the middle of a specialist, therapist to coach training course and Julia Vaughan Smith’s Therapist into Coach is one of the course core texts. I found the book engaging right from the start where the author describes the potential reasons and motivations for therapists to move towards coaching. I felt almost uncomfortably seen; as if she knew what was going on in my mind...  ...I have just ordered her book Coaching and Trauma.
Ms. A Williamson  |  Amazon Review
I found the book engaging right from the start where the author describes the potential reasons and motivations for therapists to move towards coaching. I felt almost uncomfortably seen; as if she knew what was going on in my mind. I have ADHD and struggle to engage with many of the standard, coaching texts on theory. There is something about Julia’s understanding of her target audience, and the relational way in which it is written, made it much easier for me to stay focused. I found the examples of coaching conversations very helpful in demonstrating how therapy and coaching do differ, complimenting the chapter that explicitly describes the key differences. This is essential reading for therapists who are moving towards coaching.
Amanda Williamson, participant on Therapist to Coach training programme
This book has been on the recommended reading list of my EMCC Global Therapist to Coach Senior Practitioner in Coaching Programme for many years. It provides a perspective of the differences -and similarities- of coaching and counselling. Crucially, there is a really valuable chapter on the traps therapists can fall into when they get 'stuck' as a coach and fall back into 'therapeutic mode'.
Dr Trish Turner.  Managing Director of Therapist to Coach Ltd

Papers

Traumatised Psyche: Traumatised Soul
presented to the second Limbus Conference in Dartington Great Hall on April 23st 2016.
​Video of the presentation can be accessed via www.limbus.org.uk.
 What has trauma got to do with coaching? Or coaching got to do with trauma?  
​Presented to the APECS Symposium in 2015, followed up with a presentation to an APECS seminar in February 2016.